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Apathy Dose

from Dear Rudiff by Prilly T

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lyrics

Yo, I gotta’ turn this click-track down
This shit’s too loud
Oh, I forgot the words to the song… Umm

Dear Rudiff,
The alarm went off, I let it ring
I don’t even wanna get up to see this world
Don’t wanna try—subject to all these thoughts of suicide
And I wanna die, but I can’t ‘cause I owe you my life
And that’s fine
I guess it flies, so I’ma do this one more time
Feels like I’ma throw up
Aye bro, what’s the hold up?
Waiting on your approval,
But I know that shit won’t show up
Can’t find the motivation to even get up out my bedroom
Looks like the sky ain’t falling, but I been struggling for headroom
I’m back on medication
They don’t want me going apeshit—uh
The doctor said it’s not my fault I’m trapped in palliation
But unless she wanna throw me a more permanent solution
I’ma need to find a real way to sift through this dilution, bruh

Ah—I been puking lightning bolts
These pills is gold, nigga
Ah—I fucking hate this world

On the floor, lying in my own drool
And I’m just about ready to slice open my motherfucking stomach
It hurts to feel it merge into my body
But it suppresses all the urges of this sociopathic mind
The doctor says I’m doing fine—so fine
But I’m not…
I’m living in a dome inside my head,
And I’m fucked
I’m not talking to my mother
I’m not talking to my pa
I stopped talking to pretty much everyone but you, man
-Here’s applause
I keep looking up to sky,
Surprised it still hangs there
After all the bullshit that we been through?
You would think that shit would fall
But it’s clinging like a spider clings
-The proof of room for lighter days
I might just make it through all of this fluid coming out my fucking mouth

Ah—I been puking lightning bolts
These pills is gold, nigga
Ah—I fucking hate this world

I can see the gravedigger watching over me
Black-holing me,
And showing me ways to take control of the creature that’s inside me
But who else to confide in?
You never hit me back,
So this voice is like my best fucking friend
Call it counter-productive
But fuck it
These pills don’t make the voices shutup
They still be talking—just at a lower level
Got me feeling all dishevelled and shit
That’s a big word for someone as retarded as me
It’s like a party in my body, and they kicking me out
I’m feeling naughty, but my shawty, she done peaced the fuck out
Because I stabbed her in the throat with a ballpoint pen
Shit… I need to take my pills again
-Tru

Ah—I been puking lightning bolts
These pills is gold, nigga
Ah—I fucking hate this world

credits

from Dear Rudiff, released March 8, 2017

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Prilly T

Before anybody throws a fit about my use of the word, "Nigga," understand that I am half black. While it should not matter (because I am not using the word in a derogatory way), people are presumptuous. My biological father is 100% Jamaican, and even though I am passable as "white" I AM biracial. Getting upset by me using the word is denying the black half of my family's culture. ... more

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